chilly king's blog

At least for now, but not always.  Somewhere down the line poker got boring for me, I think it was around the time when I realized I'm about as good as I'm going to get.  Not that I couldn't improve, but that improving would require more time and travel than I was prepared to expend.  I am good enough to make a living at it as long as I stay disciplined, but I've never been motivated by money alone.  It's not like I was brought up as some rich kid, there was a time when I was "donating" (selling) plasma to make ends meet.  A string of good sessions might mean parts for the supra (which I no longer have, as it was a ticket magnet) but still, I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth.

The Russians I work with got into the practice of flipping cars; meaning buying wrecked or beat up cars, fixing them to point and selling for profit.  I thought about it, and bought a '90 Eagle Talon Tsi last month (Same as Mitsubishi Eclipse GSX with different bodywork) not really sure what my plans are.  My "geek" brain won't let me put some cheap parts on it, sell it and call it a day.  1-2 & 2-3 shifts sometimes grind so I got the car at a reasonable price, it took me about a week to get used to "always" rev matching on shifts, like driving a dog (straight cut gears, no synchros) box.  Also, it's very much like driving an understeering FWD rather than driving a more modern AWD, there's a certain simplicity that I love about it, something that leaves room for improvement without turning into an overwhelming project. 

The last few weeks have been tough, not for poker, there is no way I play competitively like this.  It started with the anniversary of my cousin's suicide.  I am an only child, she was very much like my sister, we had a lot in common, the same views on different subjects.  We were very close growing up but she eventually moved out of state.  We still kept in contact but not nearly as much.  She had a hard life, believe me.  I can remember a psychiatrist asking if I felt angry, that was the furthest emotion I could imagine.  I felt guilt, I should have visited more, called more, anything.  This was during a hard time of my own life when I actually considered taking a long walk off of a short pier - so to speak.  After I saw her in the casket I realized I couldn't put this kind of pain on anyone. 

I did occasionally and not so occasionally use drugs as an escape, just to get some peace.  There comes a time when the devil takes his due.  In July, I remember coming down from about 2 grams of pretty shitty blow.  Mild to moderate psychosis kicks in, your mind starts to wander, you get paranoid, you start to think.  You remember how you felt and know that you could never kill yourself, But maybe you could have - before the fact, and then maybe your cousin wouldn't have.  At the end of this thought process you feel guilty for being alive, knowing that one suicide may prevent another. 

Played the Mario Lemieux Charity Main Event, $550. 163 entrants. My ticket got punched at #20 just a few places short of the money.  I didn't really care about cashing, I wanted to win.  Call it redemption, whatever.  I needed a win somewhere in my life.  I should "feel" good, I played well.  I didn't have any defining multi-way triple up pots.  One hand was raised to me, I had JJ in the blinds.  I called and saw a T high flop, I bet 1/2 the pot to isolate, turn was another low card, I bet 1/2 pot again, river was another low card.  I knew he had AT, he mucked but I just "know" what he had from watching his style, I do a little acting then check, he goes all in - had me covered- , I call.  interesting enough I folded QQ on a similiar board - but with a possible flush - on the river a few hours earlier.  and thats about it.  10+ hours of play, a half dozen or so of decent pocket pairs (TT+) one set, one flopped straight,  couldn't suck out any draws with combo (pair + flush draw, flush draw + straight draw exct.) So everything else was from stealing pots, stealing blinds/antes and very thin value bets.  In the end I made a bad play, blinds/antes went up, I couldn't get any traction and game over. 

I really thought coinflip might break if I put something this large into the comment box.  But I did want to reply and do the quiz.

1) First share a bit about yourself (education, interests, family, etc):

I barely graduated high school - due to a lack of motivation, not incompetence.  My report cards went like A, A, F, B, I (incomplete), D, F.  I would either love the subject and do exceptionally well, and for whatever reason would dismiss other classes, sometimes I didn't like the teacher, whatever.  I think my favorite class was World History, followed by Psychology.  After that I went to a film school for a few years, I got into screen writing and a little film, 16mm film is fucking expensive and doesn't allow "do-overs" so several McDonalds paychecks went to that.  I remember I was working full time as an assistant manager and would sometimes work 70 hour weeks, because I needed the money for school, and to live (rent, food...) but then working that much made me skip a few classes.  I might go back to it at some point, I used to agonize over details, everything was cause and effect.  My dad in very few words said you better find a way to make a living and forget these dreams of yours.  I took some classes at a local community college, then went to a technical school for auto repair resulting in a associates deg. 

2) Briefly describe your poker history. How would you characterize your progress? What game(s)/ limit(s) do you play? 

Last night/morning was goofy all over.  played a tournament, did the usual, trippled up, and all down hill from there.  One player that I was picking on was getting low and open shoves (had around 10% of my stack) I try to read my left, didn't look like anyone was too excited, he probably doesn't have a pocket pair and 3d 5d didn't seem too horrible against random broadway cards, unless he happens to actually flop broadway   Then I got unlucky, I limp UTG w/ AKo, middle position raises, middle/late goes all in (would be a little more than half my stack) I didn't think either had anything above average so I push over top, middle folds and I end up racing my AK against his Kc Jc .  two clubs on the flop one more on the turn ... anyway things didn't get better so off to the "goofy all over"

I've been away from poker since black friday, i need to be in a certain zone for playing live and just wasn't feeling it.  so i took a day job, felt like extreme shit for two weeks or so, didn't want to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.  then spent about a month between work and (doing the math) around 10 grams and a few grams of cat (methcathinone) which I think is a little too easy to make.  cat is kinda like coke but more "speedy" and more than a little psychosis - seeing/hearing things that aren't really there.  the psychosis from coke is what some refer to as a creative feeling.  oh yeah, disclaimer time: if you can't respect proper drugs kiddos then just smoke weed untill you pass out. by respect I mean not overdoing it, not doing it every day, and probably not doing it with friends since it would become a communal thing and either one of you will want to get a buzz on all the time.

Back to the meat of the stew, i've felt great the last few days without any help, (clean for a week) and actually have more energy going on less sleep.  the tingling in the back of my head tells me it's back to the tables i go.  I don't need luck, just a few people that can't fold big pairs to get started. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCKN7kfMUXk&feature=related

rough  (rf)adj. rough·er, rough·est

Played the nooner at River's casino today.  I have grown to hate this place, and the state that governs it.  The Nooner is a $80 tournament of which only $50 goes into the prize pool, and are notoriously top-heavy.   Today there were 52 entrants, 1st place paying out a little over $900, 7th Place paying out around $160.  I got lucky in a few spots, but also made some great laydowns, and a made a few bluffs that happened to work.  I was headed to the longest final table of my damn life.  I was 3rd or 4th in chips and the bubble slowly came around.  I was a victim for playing too tight, but I knew there were three short stacks - less than 20BB's so I layed low for a while, It's not like I was getting any hands but definaly missed a few opportunites to take down a couple rounds of blinds and antes.

I've been reflecting today, thinking about the decisions I've made off the felt.  I used to think some were just bad choices, looking deeper I'm seeing more and more that it was a case of being lost or trying to find the "world" I belong in.  Call it failure or feedback (thanks keith) but I've made a pretty good mess for myself in the past.  It wasn't the drugs, booze, or partying - I'm pretty sure that was a response to blowing through cash on my education, and my inability to keep a job, or girlfriend for more than two years.  The beginings of anything for me came from need not want, we as humans living in capitalism need money to live, we as humans need a certain level of companionship to live happily.  I needed money, love ect. but did not want the typical end result.  I could get halfway through the tunnel, but when the light started shining I didn't like what I saw.

I never pictured myself with a house, wife, kids, or a real job.  I can however still picture my dad after his divorce, still in his underwear at noon, chain smoking, and eating chef boyardee ravioli on paper plates; so maybe the later descouraged the former.   Call it fear, metafear or desperation but when I did the math I knew I needed to change something, I didn't want to spend another 13,320 days (if social security still exists) at a job I hate, then live out my last 10-20 years in a damn retirement home. 

You will think I'm even more of a nutter, but here it goes.  Last month I had a dream featuring Doyle Brunson, he told me I'm going to go broke one more time and then never again.  It's been a tough year, taken from the top, in July I was down to about $12 in my FTP account, dove into a $10+1 MTT with a field of around 430 and ended up chopping for second place.  Cash out, party, bust...$40 in FTP account, take 3rd in a 30+3 with around a 90 man field, I dick around the cash tables and play way higher than I should.   What do I have to show for it... A damn FTP beanie, visor, and tee shirt.  A huge problem I had is always seeking out the blood games, at the table I didn't care about having a good time, laughing, or enjoying anyone's company.  I wanted the head rush.  I wanted to drag pots that take five minutes to sort and stack.  A lot of bad came from this, notably when variance takes it's natural down turn and the soul crushing depression that comes when you have to dig coins out of a fountain to get bus fare home because your car broke down the week before.