I've been reflecting today, thinking about the decisions I've made off the felt.  I used to think some were just bad choices, looking deeper I'm seeing more and more that it was a case of being lost or trying to find the "world" I belong in.  Call it failure or feedback (thanks keith) but I've made a pretty good mess for myself in the past.  It wasn't the drugs, booze, or partying - I'm pretty sure that was a response to blowing through cash on my education, and my inability to keep a job, or girlfriend for more than two years.  The beginings of anything for me came from need not want, we as humans living in capitalism need money to live, we as humans need a certain level of companionship to live happily.  I needed money, love ect. but did not want the typical end result.  I could get halfway through the tunnel, but when the light started shining I didn't like what I saw.

I never pictured myself with a house, wife, kids, or a real job.  I can however still picture my dad after his divorce, still in his underwear at noon, chain smoking, and eating chef boyardee ravioli on paper plates; so maybe the later descouraged the former.   Call it fear, metafear or desperation but when I did the math I knew I needed to change something, I didn't want to spend another 13,320 days (if social security still exists) at a job I hate, then live out my last 10-20 years in a damn retirement home. 

Online poker has never really been my cup of tea, you can run me on opr, I'm not a donkey but the tneva's of the world make it tough to turn a profit without turning into a bot, especially in the micro/low games, it actually became a little discouraging but it's a different kind of poker that I've found way too boring.    From the begining I had a level of 'card sense', a great memory or recall of hands played wheather it was penny ante draw with a stripped deck in grade school, or any of the other games involving colorful charachters with gold teeth and nine digits.  I'm a live player, nuff said. 

I look on my shelf and see a dozen poker books, they aren't all on strategy mind you, "one of a kind" - the rise and fall of Stu Ungar, "Check raising the devil", "Positively fifth street" and "The Godfather of poker" are great reads in their own right, even if read by someone who has never shuffled a deck of cards.  The books that did deal with strategy really didn't teach me more than I had already figured out.  Thirty years ago could I have made it in the poker world... without question.  Today it's a way different arena, but now I have the want and the need to play.

 I've got a few more deals to do before the year is out but I'm in good shape, I should have enough to cover rent and expenses for six months plus a $2,000 bankroll for January, I'll grind blackjack untill I get up to $5,000 then it's back to the 2/5 tables.  If all goes well I'll hope to be splitting a Chimay with Adrian in the summer.  I like eight cylinders, carbs, stick shifts and wheel guns, I drink my whiskey straight and my coffee black.  I'm stuck in the past but maybe it's not too late.