You will think I'm even more of a nutter, but here it goes.  Last month I had a dream featuring Doyle Brunson, he told me I'm going to go broke one more time and then never again.  It's been a tough year, taken from the top, in July I was down to about $12 in my FTP account, dove into a $10+1 MTT with a field of around 430 and ended up chopping for second place.  Cash out, party, bust...$40 in FTP account, take 3rd in a 30+3 with around a 90 man field, I dick around the cash tables and play way higher than I should.   What do I have to show for it... A damn FTP beanie, visor, and tee shirt.  A huge problem I had is always seeking out the blood games, at the table I didn't care about having a good time, laughing, or enjoying anyone's company.  I wanted the head rush.  I wanted to drag pots that take five minutes to sort and stack.  A lot of bad came from this, notably when variance takes it's natural down turn and the soul crushing depression that comes when you have to dig coins out of a fountain to get bus fare home because your car broke down the week before.

On November 21, 2010  My manager calls me down to his office.  He explains my current attitude toward work, constant tardiness, and insubordination.  He asks me to sign a paper printed as my second warning.  I'm no dummy, I know he wants a paper trail when he finally cans my ass in January, as this is the season for retail when pressure is applied,  and the hours get long and shitty.  My answer is "I'm just gonna go."  I was beyond broke.  I don't mean Phil Ivey broke or bad session broke, I mean like $30 in my bank account, zero balences online, and the car is leaking coolant.  It's not all playing like a donkey that got me broke, it really was a tough year.  Probably $300 in speeding tickets, set of tires, brakes, power steering pump, my wisdom teeth set me back 2k (x-ray, extraction, anesthesia...) on top of rent, groceries, many expenses not worth mentioning individually, and mental swings I swear I came close to offing myself.

I took inventory of what I bought when running good, among other things: a half restored 85' toyota supra, a 96' chevy cavalier (derby car), tools, and my guitar that I haven't played in probably two years.  Don't let anyone fool you, american stratocasters and snap on tools are almost as good as chips as far as currency is concerned.  I was awake for over 41 hours straight up, no drugs - wheelin', dealin' and now floatin'.  I've got enough cash to survive the winter, probably enough to get me through april, and this is money not to be touched.  That's about it.  I'm doing great.  I'm happy, I wasn't sure why at first but now I know.