The last few weeks have been tough, not for poker, there is no way I play competitively like this.  It started with the anniversary of my cousin's suicide.  I am an only child, she was very much like my sister, we had a lot in common, the same views on different subjects.  We were very close growing up but she eventually moved out of state.  We still kept in contact but not nearly as much.  She had a hard life, believe me.  I can remember a psychiatrist asking if I felt angry, that was the furthest emotion I could imagine.  I felt guilt, I should have visited more, called more, anything.  This was during a hard time of my own life when I actually considered taking a long walk off of a short pier - so to speak.  After I saw her in the casket I realized I couldn't put this kind of pain on anyone. 

I did occasionally and not so occasionally use drugs as an escape, just to get some peace.  There comes a time when the devil takes his due.  In July, I remember coming down from about 2 grams of pretty shitty blow.  Mild to moderate psychosis kicks in, your mind starts to wander, you get paranoid, you start to think.  You remember how you felt and know that you could never kill yourself, But maybe you could have - before the fact, and then maybe your cousin wouldn't have.  At the end of this thought process you feel guilty for being alive, knowing that one suicide may prevent another. 

So needless to say I never wanted to go anywhere near that place again.  I've been done since then and will continue on clean, I burned a few bridges but fuck 'em.  Continuing on, My dad told me there is a good chance he may have cancer again.  He had it years ago, one entire lung was removed, so after chemotherepy and radiation, surgery won't be an option this time, unless it's a transplant.  He seems indifferent about it this time, like he doesn't care.  The "If I die" conversation... I really think I almost blacked out. which brings me here to unload.  Honestly, If I told the Doc she'd nod, smile, and ask which pills I want to take; tell my friends and get a "sorry man" attached to a few awkward glances... at least here It's entirely up to you to read or not to read.  So, no poker until I get my mind straight. maybe a month, maybe longer.... I will still check in from time to time though.